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[needlebomb]

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Comments

[needlebomb]

i'm not going to hurt someone i love. that's pretty much the worst thing a person can do, i think. especially intentionally.
i'm sure it would be easy to forgive me when you're being self-sacrificial. you'll be the one that's hurt, i'll be the one that's safe. martyrdom is a relatively easy pill to swallow.
but i am not going to hurt you. regardless of circumstance. so.
you'll have to do the hard work and learn to forgive me for that instead

[confiscated]

i hate that answer.
but it makes me happy, too.

i'm just worried this place will try to fuck with us
and i don't want that.
maybe we should have a code word
for situations like that

[needlebomb]

a code word is sensible.
i don't think it's entirely necessary.
if you hurt me, or if i hurt you, we know enough about how we feel to know that our hands might have been forced.
i'd be willing to forgive you no matter what you did, at this point. and i hope you feel the same about me.

[ you fucking better, what with how quickly marcus could take all of this shit back. that kind of security and loyalty is what's keeping him so invested. ]

but if a code word would make you feel better i'm happy to have one.

[confiscated]

i would. there's nothing u could really do to hurt me, hurt me
nothing i wouldn't understand on some level had to be done.
i like that we can read each other like that.
two halves, you know?

[...]

what kind of code would work? a sentence, or something

[needlebomb]

i feel the same.

we learned at king's that communication needs to be subtle enough to fit into a conversation without raising suspicion.
"would you mind if i used your bathroom", that kind of thing. dependent on the situation at hand.
more concretely, it can be a structure of sentences delivered in a certain way.
five words in one sentence, ten words in the next. three sentences in a row that start with the same letter.
subtle unsolvable things that can only be picked up on by those who have the key to the cipher, so to speak.
but i think if you're high that's probably not something you're capable of really thinking through.
or remembering.
could just make it "burger king" or something.

[confiscated]

burger king?

i guess. maybe i'll ask again when i'm not on an up
now u made me hungry

[needlebomb]

probably smart.
it's cool that you were thinking about me while you're high though.

[confiscated]

i think about u a lot
in a lot of different ways
high or not.

but yeah
i was just chilling and it came to mind
i still feel strongly about what we talked about
it makes me happy

[needlebomb]

i know. i feel the same. wouldn't have said it if i didn't.
honesty is hard, but.
easier with you.

[confiscated]

yeah, same.

ur just special to me.
i feel so strongly rn i wanna puke

[needlebomb]

is that a good thing or a bad thing

[confiscated]

good
cept the puking

[needlebomb]

don't puke on my things, please.

[confiscated]

maybe u should come home then
hold my hair wherever my head goes

[needlebomb]

don't want you to puke on my dick either.

[confiscated]

dont u wanna brag about how u made me gag so hard i spewed on the carpet?

[needlebomb]

i'm not really the bragging type of guy.
and - if i'm being honest -
if i came home now, i'd rather just chill with you than fuck your brains out.
sharing a high, listening to music, holding your hand.
that's closer to what i want right now.

[confiscated]

ive got nirvana playing right now on the turntable
lot more powder to go with my roach
and space next to me on the bed

[needlebomb]

that sounds... really nice. i'll come home when i can.

[ ... ]

what's the worst thing you've done to me?
off the top of your head.

[confiscated]

worst thing?
i don't know.

[So many things Tate doesn't take into account: the times he hid things from Marcus, the people he sleeps with and flirts with without thinking twice. The deep bonds he's claimed with other people before deciding to pin them all on Marcus. The fact that he'd lie to his face without breaking a sweat... he has to think, for a second, through the haze in his head. Has to think of an answer rather than recall one.]

before, i guess
i was afraid of telling u about me
but u know that. how i used to shape who i was
now u know me, thru and thru
keeping parts of myself quiet was probably the worst thing

[needlebomb]

that's it?

[ it's hard for even marcus to know what he's digging for - some kind of thread to pull to make this shit fall apart. some kind of tension relief from all the intimacy and the going hard they've both been doing. not a fight, necessarily, because like he said, he does just want to lay with someone and hold their hand and listen to music - but he's just... talking. saying things, seeing what happens. always has been a problem for marcus, this mouth of his. ]

[confiscated]

why?
do u think i did something?

[needlebomb]

yeah.

[ dot dot dot. ]

i mean. no? nothing specific.
just knew this girl back home who always used to say new friends are just old friends who haven't disappointed you yet.
we're in this so deep that i keep thinking - what if i've already hurt you? what if you've already hurt me?
it seems naive to think my hands are clean. or that yours are.

[confiscated]

[...]

even if thats true
we talked about how we'd forgive each other for anything
you can be disappointed w someone and get over it
right?

[needlebomb]

yeah.

sorry for being depressing. just being anxious and cynical about all this.
i don't want to fuck up. or lie. or hurt you.
but i feel like that's all i know how to do.